I don’t think we started off with these problems. Yet here they are. When it gets tough chances are we will be walking alone. My sadness is not my lover. In your words I see the fear that she whispers to me when you are not around. You try to fight against her and when I am caught in another storm you listen and give so much until one day you’re convinced there is no way I can get past her touch. When I make a major discovery due to introspection, I feel like I have to leave question marks behind whether good or bad. To you this is an obvious case of me choosing to roll around in all my filth. Painting a picture of me loving my wound so much I rip it open right before it heals. Starting the entire process again.
No matter how many times I’ve said it will be rough right before the breakthroughs and they nod saying they’ll hold on it is highly probable they won’t. To meet someone who says sweet things and understands is nice. Meeting someone who will stay even in the heaviest downpours and show me just how wrong I am is better. When we are difficult to love we need love the most. Sometimes our choices of who we love and or care for don’t feel the same for us. The position is a difficult one. You can invest and invest all of what you have into someone but it doesn’t matter if they can’t see the value in you.
Your love isn’t their love. Your love maybe doing anything to be around them and their love is just keeping you interested and far. No matter what you may see in someone it means nothing if the versions of caring are not balanced or timed. How can you explain this lack of communication? How can you tell someone you care about that waiting on their list is still nothing but an intention sitting in rot? I think the most complicated part is saying you don’t want to be on any list. Not for the position you are applying for.
The secret is exposed because one side thinks of the other as the logical and emotional choice. Where as the other doesn’t think anything is worth choosing now. Some of us hang in there and surely our value will be seen but as time goes on it can play out differently. When you are sensitive and aware of other people’s emotions and drives it is hard to remember not everyone operates the same. You say and do confusing things and when the other party has had enough trying to figure out what the issue is resentment and bitterness have already tried to visit. Sadly sometimes they make an extended stay.
What does the party who is hooked do? Lots of choices. One is to cut the bridge and never return. It seems cold but who does it hurt more and more deeply to stay? Crossing over the bridge over and over again asking if the other one is ready to venture out of the city. A companion would be nice for exploring the unknown, the future, but if no one sees the importance in going out one can’t wait. Fallout problems, you’ve got to escape the vault but the other party says there is no rush and will try later.
Where one can mess up is waiting for the other to emerge as well. Perhaps it is their story to stay and they shouldn’t be anywhere else right now. Fine. The one thinking of outside cannot and shouldn’t wait because there are too many stories to write waiting. It is difficult to say goodbye and there’s no pretty way to put it. However if they just want each other to be happy it might just be called for. What good am I sitting here thinking about finding a way to convince someone to take a risk with me when they are content right where they are? This can apply to many situations.
If you are fine where you are, asking you to trust me and come along is unfair. So sometimes a connection is disabled to make it easier and why is it easier to walk away than stay in the beginning?
I think of a young child waiting for a parent to pick them up only to be disappointed time and time again. The parent says they’ll be there and whatever else it takes to cool things down for a while but eventually if they are not sincere it shows. Maybe the parent is sincere but doesn’t know any better? Maybe the parent is dealing with something inside at the wrong moments. Eventually the intentions, the reasons, no longer matter. It’s all counted as not showing up. After a while what does the child do? Stops wanting to look for or hear any more intentions. The best toys and child support checks don’t mean shit to the child. The child just wants you to be there.
We learn from those around us and there is a reason we operate the way we do. If someone appears to be in love with the dark allow me to offer an alternative. Maybe everyone they love is a shadow. Too much light, too many hopes, too much affection, sensitive, intense, and those they care about cannot stay.